An Update?!?

Yes, an update!

It's been a long long time since I've posted, and I'm sorry about that.

I just haven't had too much to say that hasn't already been said. I hesitate to say things have gotten better, but it is certainly different than it was a year or so ago.

I don't miss Cassie any less - if anything I find myself thinking about her more when I can - but the "heavy sadness" isn't there. I'm able to talk to people about her without getting overly emotional, I look for opportunities to bring her up in conversation, I remind myself what a beautiful, super girl she was.

Daria and I stopped going to our support group a while ago because it got to be too much for us. It was difficult to hear the stories of the recent losses and see the people going through what we had been through. I think being able to attend and contribute and tell my story was immensely helpful, but the "heavy sadness" was there and it was too much. I know we'll go back one day. Our grief transitioned us into a place where we weren't getting much from the group. I'm sure it will transform us back to where we can go and help parents the same way we were helped. I look forward to that.

Strangely, this is the first time I have ever posted a blog entry and not gotten emotional and cried. I don't know whether that is a good thing or a sad thing. I find myself comforted when I'm moved to tears thinking about Cassandra. A close friend says its when "your grief becomes a comforting reminder" how much you loved your kid, and he's right.

I look forward to the next time I have to cry.