My thoughts about my dear sweet Cassie Boo and how life begrudgingly goes on without her.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Happy Birthday Cassie!
Today would should have been Cassandra's 5th birthday. No doubt she'd be so big, with beautiful hair, chatting up a storm, and generally being the wonderful little kid she always was.
I had to speak in church today and several times I found myself getting so choked up that I knew I wasn't going to be able to. Each time however I took a deep breath and a calming feeling came to me and I was able to do just fine. I like to think Cassie was there with me, putting her hand on my shoulder (or kneecap as the case may be) to let me know everything would be all right.
It's been too long since I was able to hold my little girl, to cradle her in my arms, and tell her how much her daddy loves her.
I just got an email from my Pop that his dad, my grandfather passed away last night. He was staying with my aunt in Illinois where he'd been battling heart issues.
I'm pretty broken up about it, mostly for my dad who lost his last parent yesterday - Grandma Akers passed a few years ago. I can't say I know exactly how he feels, but I've kind of got an idea, and I know if I could he'd like a big giant hug right now.
Grandpa Akers was really sweet. I remember when I lived in Martinsville we'd drive up to see Grandma and Grandpa in Parkersburg, West Virginia where he lived my entire life. My dad was named after him, Charles Akers II, and there were a lot of Charlies in the extended family - I remember all the plates Grandma hung on the wall with names and birth dates. They had these big recliners which were enormous to a 4 year old. Grandpa would sit in that chair and I'd sit in his lap and he'd do card tricks for me. I was mesmerized as he'd tap the deck and pull my card out every time. Later I'd take the deck of cards and hide behind the big chair and try to figure it out. I never could.
Grandpa never got to meet his great-granddaughters Lesley and Cassie, but I'm sure he's got Cassie on his knee right now showing her that same card trick.
It's been a long long time since I've posted, and I'm sorry about that.
I just haven't had too much to say that hasn't already been said. I hesitate to say things have gotten better, but it is certainly different than it was a year or so ago.
I don't miss Cassie any less - if anything I find myself thinking about her more when I can - but the "heavy sadness" isn't there. I'm able to talk to people about her without getting overly emotional, I look for opportunities to bring her up in conversation, I remind myself what a beautiful, super girl she was.
Daria and I stopped going to our support group a while ago because it got to be too much for us. It was difficult to hear the stories of the recent losses and see the people going through what we had been through. I think being able to attend and contribute and tell my story was immensely helpful, but the "heavy sadness" was there and it was too much. I know we'll go back one day. Our grief transitioned us into a place where we weren't getting much from the group. I'm sure it will transform us back to where we can go and help parents the same way we were helped. I look forward to that.
Strangely, this is the first time I have ever posted a blog entry and not gotten emotional and cried. I don't know whether that is a good thing or a sad thing. I find myself comforted when I'm moved to tears thinking about Cassandra. A close friend says its when "your grief becomes a comforting reminder" how much you loved your kid, and he's right.
Today would should have been Cassandra's 3rd birthday. Unlike last year, when we planned a trip to Hershey Park in Pennsylvania and had an absolutely magical time, this year life got a little busy and in the way. We had a doctor's appointment for Lesley at Children's National Medical Center in Washington DC - a very familiar place for Cassie and Daria. While I was there I gave blood (Daria's wonderful idea) in Cassandra's memory. As you know, giving blood is very meaningful to us, since Cassie needed a blood transfusion while she was in the hospital. I was an emotional wreck throughout the whole process - so much so that Daria had to assure the nurses that I wasn't having a breakdown and I would be okay. The appointment went well, and afterward we went to a baseball game with Aunt Cindy and cousin Caleb. We had lots of fun - even though no rabbits ran across the field. When we got home from the game, we decided to take a trip to the Burke Lake Train where we took the girls for Cassie's only birthday. Of course, we were on the lookout for bunnies, and on this special day Cassandra didn't disappoint us. She never does. On the way out from the train station, as we cross the bridge into the big field where the bunnies like to play, we saw a bunny.
I don't remember if I was abe to post last year, but Father's Day is a very happy, and a very hard day for me now. Of course, I will always be Cassandra's dad, and she will always be my beautiful precious daughter, but it's heartbreaking not to be able to hold her and kiss her on this day. I hope I was able to be a good father to her - I tried my hardest for sure. But I do know unquestionably that I loved her as much as I possibly could, and she knew every day of her life that her daddy loved her. And I still do. And always will.
Tomorrow will be one full year since Cassandra died. I'm going too be to emotional and too broken up tomorrow to post anything, so I'm going to do it now.
It doesn't seem like a year. Memories of Cassie, her touch, her smell, her giggle, are too close in my mind. The horror of the surgery, the hospital stay, and her death are right on the edge of my conciousness. Every day since then has taken me one day further away from when I held her last, and one day further along this awful, lonely journey as I try to cope with living life without my daughter.
I know I will never forget her, and maybe one day this won't hurt so much, but I type this with a picture of Cassie on her birthday as my laptop wallpaper and I can't help but want to reach into that picture and touch her soft cheek, tickle her chin, and tell her that I love her so.
Daria and I are going to spend the day together at home tomorrow working in our front yard planting a memorial garden for Cassandra. Hopefully it will keep our minds and bodies occupied while we do something to honor Cassie's memory.
Please keep Daria, Lesley, me, and most of all Cassandra Anne in your thoughts tomorrow.
