In My Arms
I think thats where I miss Cassandra the most - in my arms. We held Cassandra almost constantly. She was really sick for a long time and just didn't feel comfortable or safe unless she was being held. I don't think I or Daria felt truly safe either with out her arms wrapped around our neck or curled up on our chest. Sometimes I think I can still feel her - in my left arm as I'm carrying her around, careful not to tweak her g-tube site or "button"; curled up on my right shoulder as we both settled down for a nap. I feel her warmth, her soft skin, her little fingers on my neck, her little feet kicking me to get more confortable.
For the first time since she passed, I had a short little dream this morning about Cassandra. I was holding her in my right arm as I walked around, meeting all of the people I have known throughout my life. I was introducing them to Cassandra and telling them what a huge part of my life she was. Friends from high school, college, past jobs. Everyone was so happy to see her and so sad to learn she had died. And then, the dream was gone. I tried very hard to get it back, to force myself back to sleep so I could feel Cassie's weight against me again, but I couldn't.I still have a little bit of that dream in my head now and I so desperately don't want it to go away. I'm going to go lay on the couch and try to hold her again.
posted by Todd Akers @ 7:49 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
How most special and powerful are these words, Todd. I feel the life of Cassie through your reflections, and also most clearly your intense loss on losing this endeared life. May these thoughts bring healing and wholeness...one step at a time. I am most honored to witness your journey and to know that it potentially helps you and so many in similar situations.
Sending love and warm caring. Kitty
I don't think I can adequately explain just how much we held Cassie. There were days when I believe she was held for 23 hours. She had the amazing ability to wake up the second you put her down. She just needed us there and we changed our lives so we could be.
I think the inablity to hold her is what hurts so much about her last several days and her death. From the time I laid Cassie down on the operating table until she died 8 days later we couldn't hold her in our arms. All we could do was hold her hand, kiss her head, or stroke her legs. It was awful... so incredibly hard. I sometimes wonder if she felt abandoned... like where were we? How could we let this happen to her. Why didn't we make it stop? I often wonder if she was in pain. I will never have the answers to these questions but the restless mind of a greiving mother can wander places no one should go.
Post a Comment
<< Home