Some Please Do's and Dont's
Please DO:- Ask me how I'm doing.
- Tell me I look good or not so good.
- Ask me about Cassandra.
- Assume that I'm still having a hard time.
- Ask how Lesley and Daria are holding up.
- Tell me about your kids.
- Call me once in a while to check up on me.
Please DON'T:
- Ignore me.
- Avoid talking about Cassandra.
- Assume that everything is ok now.
- Pretend nothing ever happened.
- Think I don't need your freindship and support.
- Think I can do this on my own.
- Tell me "Cassandra is better off / in a better place." - She isn't.
posted by Todd Akers @ 6:56 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
I am so glad that Todd wrote these Do's and Don't. The truth is most people don't have a clue what to say to us so they don't say anything any more. And others just say the wrong thing.
After Cassie died I went back to the company that I used to work for. I had been gone for 5 months since I quit in Novemeber to take care of Cassie. Most people here new Cassie or at least knew of her but people tent to act like she never existed. People don't like to talk about their kids around me and have even turned around and walked away if they have seen me crying (it is rare but I do cry at work - like after recieving calls about her autopsy.. try acting normal after those calls).
The worst thing I keep hearing is "She is in a better place...." I just don't get that. First of all why does EVERYONE assume that everyone believes in heaven? There are people in this world that are willing to admit that we do not know what happens after death. I would love to be able to blindly believe that we all met again in a wonderful afterlife but I don't. Second of all, I don't believe that there is any place as wonderful and loving as snuggled in the arms of parents who love you though think and thin (and lots of vomit).
Sorry... pretty crank yoday. I miss my baby girl.
Todd/Daria,
I posted in the Front Office Football forum before reading your blog, and I don't know if you'll get this comment since it is for a fairly old post, but I hope you do. I'll not repost my comments from the forum since the tears make it hard enough.
I just wanted to say here that it has been four years since my lost, but your list of Do's and Dont's apply to me this day. I suppose they always will for us.
At my daughters funeral, only one, ONE person said anything meaningful to me. They simply came up to me and said, "Joe, I just want you to know that I will never take my children for granted again." That's all they said and walked away. I found that person later and thanked them, telling them they were the only person who had actually said anything that made sense to me.
I can't tell you how many people I wanted to punch in the face who had said, "I know how you feel" (NO YOU DON'T!!!), or the proverbial "She is in a much better place!". I agree with you...no she is not!
Anyway, you will both be on my mind as we journey through the scraps that are left of our lives.
I wish that I had done a web page and/or blog. I had some emotional block and never got around to doing it. But I thank you for yours, and for allowing me to share.
Sincerely,
Joe Miller
Dear Todd,Daria,NO i won't say your baby girl is better off.and no it will not get better.And no, time does not heal the hurt,if anything it makes it worse.you might smile,laugh,and love your other child like there will be no tomorrow.But there is a part of you that died with your little girl.That pain will always be with you and it will remind you to love and to live to the fullestI hope you and your family all the best in the world.and i send my love and prayers.If you want to talk about cassandra or anything I will be here for you,,,,,love darla,,,contact at,,,darley77@yahoo.com,,,anytime day or night
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