Short Daydreams and Wishes
Every once in awhile I'll find myself daydreaming or flat-out drifting off to sleep becasue I'm so tired. Sometimes I'll have a brief flashback to some point in time just prior to Cassie's surgery. Either at home taking pictures of her before we get in the car, waiting in the waiting room before we're called back to pre-op, or waiting in the pre-op room holding Cassie as she keeps falling asleep.
When I do have these flashbacks, I have a tiny, split-second, miniscule feeling of hope that I can somehow do or say something to avoid the turn of events that led to Cassie's death. I think: I can ask the doctors to pay close attention to her oxygen. I should tell them to watch Cassie's blood sugar since she hadn't eaten in so long. Maybe I should just say forget the whole thing since she's not acting right.The hope then goes away very quickly. Too quickly.
There is no more hope.
posted by Todd Akers @ 8:45 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
I think that honestly the worst day of my life was the day we took Cassie to have her surgery. She was acting weird, very cranky and sleepy. We chalked it up to hunger and being out of sorts because her schedule was off. She had been fasting a long time and surgery was delayed because of an emergency.
I look back on that day and wonder if she felt something.. if she knew it was all going to go to hell. I wish I had never taken her in that room. Never laid her down on that bed. It was like taking a little lamb to slaughter... I was the one who did it.. I was the last one to say goodbye. Oh God how I wish I hadn't. Even now I can remember how much she hated the mask they used to put her to sleep. She fought so hard then quickly... nothing.
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