My thoughts about my dear sweet Cassie Boo and how life begrudgingly goes on without her.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Birthday Remembrance
We spent Cassandra's birthday at Hershy Park in Pennsylvania. Daria and I had been very scared about what that day would bring, but we decided that we should be out having fun and doing something the Cassandra would have loved to do. Daria picked out Hershey Park since it is a very kid friendly park, with many mnay rides for small children. The day was absolutely gorgeous, not a cloud in the sky - It was warm, not hot, and breezy. This was Lesley's first trip to an amusement park and Grandad came along to celebrate Cassandra as well. Lesley loved the rides, even the ones she had to ride by herself. We were happy to discover that Lesley is just a shade over 36 inches tall in her shoes, so she was able to ride more rides than we had aniticipated. For the record, Lesley is a "Hershey's Kiss", one step above a "Hershey Miniature". Lesley probably liked the Log Flume the best. Even though she was scared at first, once the log started rocking and rolling she got very excited, and when we went over the last hill for the big splash, she screamed in delightt and begged for more - we went on it 3 times.
All throughout the day I kept telling Cassandra "Happy Birthday" and even though she wasn't there next to us to share it, I think she would have been proud of us for having fun and remembering her in a happy way. We never got to take Cassie on a log flume or a roller coaster, but Lesley got to enjoy it that day for her little sister. I'm sure Lesley would have rather shared the rides, too.
We rode the train a few times, too. It wound through the busy park and it was a nice way to relax for a while. On our last train ride of the day, just before the last turn, a bunny rabbit hopped by out of some small bushes. In the middle of this busy park, a little bunny stopped by to say hello. And we all paused and looked at each other and thought of our little bunny and knew we did the right thing.
Today would should have been Cassandra Anne Akers' 2nd birthday. I can't even begin to explain how unbearably sad I've been these past 4 months, thinking about how she was taken away from us, missing her so very very much.
Cassie came into this world a little early and very quickly. Daria's labor started early Sunday morning and by the time we got to Lesley's swim class they were in full effect. Good thing Daria sat this class out to videotape it. After class was over we went home and made the necessary phone calls, first to Kathy our Doula and then our parents. Daria's dad was under strict orders to stay close to home as we approached the due date, but he was off camping so we couldn't reach him. My mom was home but in Richmond, so we also called Daria's boss who was kind enough to come over. While we waited for the troops to arrive, Daria's labor slowed way down. Kathy told us that it was a function of Daria keeping an eye on Lesley and being responsible for other things, and that once we left for the hospital her labor would pick up. It did.
We labored in the shower for a while (well, Daria labored and I held) and then moved to towards the bed when transition kicked in. I held onto Daria as she leaned over me holding my shoulders through some contractions and her water broke all over my legs and socks. Daria climed into the bed and before anyone was ready for it, Cassie started to be born. The doctor wasn't paying attention and didn't even have gloves on when Cassie's head started to poke out. Kathy said "I see her head" but the doctor didn't believe her. Kathy told the doctor "I'm catching this baby if you aren't" and the doctor spun around just in time to catch Cassandra in her apron.
Oh my god what a beautiful baby Cassie was. So teeny tiny with the biggest brightest blue eyes. The nurse asked us what her name was and I proudly got to say:
"Cassandra Anne Akers"
I was a father again and couldn't have been happier.
Tomorrow is Cassandra's birthday and we decided to do our best to celebrate Cassandra's memory by doing something she would have loved to do, so we're going to Hershey Park in Pennsylvania. Daria, Lesley, Grandad, and I will leave tonight and spend the morning and afternoon at the park playing, riding the rides, having fun, and remembering our beautiful little girl. I think Cassandra would have loved to go to an amusement park, and I'm sure she'd be very happy knowing that we're going to have fun on her birthday. The day won't be without a lot of tears, I'm sure, but we will be having fun together as a family (what's left of it) and celebrating Cassie's life. I think that would have made Cassandra proud.
Yesterday was roughly 2 years after Cassie was born. It was on a Sunday morning during a swim class for Lesley that Daria really started to feel contractions. We called Kathy our Doula when we got home, called our parents to come on up, and headed for the hospital. Just a few hours later Cassandra was born to two very proud parents. We had no idea that we'd be back in the hospital a few days later, and then back many more times again. It was so hard taking care of Cassandra with all of her medical problems, so much more labor. But it was a labor of love.
I've heard from a bunch of people over the last few days that have read the blog and seen pictures of Cassandra about how beautiful Cassie was. They're right. She was beautiful. Absolutely positively beautiful.
Every once in awhile I'll find myself daydreaming or flat-out drifting off to sleep becasue I'm so tired. Sometimes I'll have a brief flashback to some point in time just prior to Cassie's surgery. Either at home taking pictures of her before we get in the car, waiting in the waiting room before we're called back to pre-op, or waiting in the pre-op room holding Cassie as she keeps falling asleep.
When I do have these flashbacks, I have a tiny, split-second, miniscule feeling of hope that I can somehow do or say something to avoid the turn of events that led to Cassie's death. I think: I can ask the doctors to pay close attention to her oxygen. I should tell them to watch Cassie's blood sugar since she hadn't eaten in so long. Maybe I should just say forget the whole thing since she's not acting right.
The hope then goes away very quickly. Too quickly.
As I'm sure you're wondering, the answer is a resounding NO, things aren't any easier or any better. Parents who have gone through the loss of a child assure me that it will get less bad someday. However, I keep thinking that no matter what happens and no matter how severely all of our lives take a turn for the better, it doesn't matter. We could win the lottery, the Cubs win the World Series, Lesley's CP could disappear, Bush get impeached and thrown in jail, discover the cure for cancer, and none of it would matter quite as much because Cassie isn't here to share it with us anymore. It's always going to suck. I'm pissed off and I'm sad and I know I always will be.
It's looming out there like a giant. Cassandra's 2nd birthday is on the 17th, less than 2 weeks away and we're all scared witless. I have no idea how it's going to hit me, how I'm going to react, or how I'll get through the day. I just know it ain't gonna be easy on any of us. And, of course, there is no manual to tell you what you should do on your child's birthday after they're dead. We're fortunate to have a very strong community of friends that have been through similar situations in The Compassionate Friends and we've gotten some very very good advice. I'll talk about our specific plans later, but suffice it to say - and I should probably rename my blog this - nothing will be as good without Cassandra. I'm kind of afraid that it's going to be anti-climactic, because I really can't miss her any more or want her back any more than I do right now or I have everyday. I think the best we can do is celebrate the day, have some fun, and remember what a super little kid she was. Cassie certainly deserves a fun day. Cassie deserves a lot of fun days.
